Your Horoscope for Today
by No Limit 5
Summary: The Janitor has taken over the Crime City radio waves and even brought in his old friend "Weird Al" Yankovic to help him deliver everyone's horoscopes! This won't end well.... A Law & Disorder one-shot.


NL: Meh, in another one of my writing slumps and decided to finally get cracking on this one-shot I wanted to do.

Mystery: (kicks NL across the room) I'm back!

NL: Great….

Mystery: NL would also like to mention that this one-shot will contain spoilers for both his _Law & Disorder_ and _Link to Life_ stories. Enjoy!

_**Your Horoscope for Today**_

"Hey, hey, hey!" the tall and intimidating Janitor shouted into a microphone, with a headset over his ears. He sat in a large room with many fancy equipment that helped broadcast messages through the air. "This is the Rotinaj, your host of Crime City's home radio station, the _Double Take_! If you haven't set your clocks straight, the time, at the beep, will be twelve-thirty. _Beeeeeeeeep_." The Janitor smirked as took off his headset and heard several people screaming outside the radio station about being late to their utterly pointless and boring appointments. "Heh, heh, just kidding. It's eight-fifteen. Come on, people, set your clocks by yourselves! You don't need some radio guy telling ya the time! Anyway, let's start things off with today's horoscope. And who better to give it than Mr. 'Weird Al' Yankovic! Glad to have you on the show, Al."

"Pleasure's all mine, Rotinaj," Hawaiian shirt-wearing, curly-haired "Weird Al" replied, sitting nonchalantly in the seat next to the Janitor. "Haven't seen you in ages. When was it last, the college reunion or my polka tour?"

"Not too sure," the Janitor mused. "I remember it one way…and sometimes another…. I prefer it to be multiple choice! But, yeah. I miss the accordion."

"We have to evolve eventually," "Weird Al" shrugged simply.

"Unless you are talking about those idiots who still write 'parodies' and the fandom," the Janitor said scathingly, shuddering. "Whoo, I've got chills. Anyway, mind giving today's horoscope, bud?"

"No problem," he nodded. "Care to join?"

"I thought you'd never ask!" The Janitor pulled from behind his chair a large, hidden guitar that would have been spotted easily yet wasn't. He pushed a button on his control panel, sending through the radio waves upbeat and fast music.

"_**Aquarius!**_" he and "Weird Al" shouted.

Meanwhile, outside the radio station, the ambitious cat Tom chased after the clever mouse Jerry in their everlasting pursuit of random destruction of private and public property – all in the name of slapstick humor.

"_**There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus!**_" "Weird Al" sang.

Just as Tom had Jerry cornered on the sidewalk and about to make his long-sought after kill, a bus came speeding in and ran over him, dragging Tom away by his tongue – which, somehow, had gotten frozen to the back of the bus.

"_**Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day!**_"

Jerry shrugged, picked up a large mallet, and walked off to play Whack-A-Mole – Fandom Edition.

"_**Pisces!**_"

The illegal alien (no, not that kind) Stitch happily marched down the same street.

"_**Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos…**_" the Janitor sang.

Stitch waved his hand hello to the Italian plumber, Luigi.

"…_**with the Ebola virus!**_"

That's when he realized something wrong with the plumber – he was seriously pale and vomiting blood. Stitch yelped and quickly dashed away.

"_**You are the true Lord of the Dance…**_"

After narrowly evading the virus of death, Stitch decided to walk into a disco center. Feeling the groove in his soul, he began break-dancing, spinning all around the floor in the shape of ball and waving his feet in the air.

"…_**no matter what those idiots at work say!**_"

"Wow, Stitch has some major dance skills…" the coworker of Stitch, JD, said, "compared to a one-legged poodle!" Everyone in the disco cracked up, pointing and jeering at Stitch. He blushed in embarrassment.

"_**Aries!**_"

The Looney duck Daffy whistled a happy tune as he strolled down the street of the radio station.

"_**The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon!**_" "Weird Al" sang.

Daffy stopped whistling as he heard shouting. Looking up the street, he spotted a grocery store owner crying out in despair as his many forty pound watermelons stampeded down toward Daffy. "Mother," he squeaked. Daffy cowered pathetically in a fetal position as the watermelons miraculously missed him and continued rolling down the street. Realizing his was safe, Daffy laughed triumphantly – only to have the remaining watermelon ram itself down his throat and into his colon.

"_**Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep!**_"

Luckily for him, he didn't have to do such a thing. Why? Because I don't know any albino dwarfs.

"_**Taurus!**_"

The little, pink puffball Kirby walked down the street and over Daffy's limp body, completely ignoring the duck.

"_**You will never find true happiness…**_"

Kirby suddenly felt a powerful strike of depression hit him, not entirely sure why.

"…_**what you gonna do, cry about it?**_"

Shiny tears started forming out of his eyes, sniffling.

"_**The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep!**_"

Kirby continued down the street, preparing himself for his utterly meaningless and boring lifestyle.

"_**That's your horoscope for today!**_" the two horoscope readers sang. "_**Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!**_"  
"_**That's your horoscope for today!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today!**_

"_**Gemini!**_"

The anger-trigger-happy Donald Duck was having his birthday party celebration across the street. Donald licked his lips excitedly, rubbing his fingers together, as he eyed his delicious birthday cake slice. "Dig in, everyone!" he squawked to his friends.

"_**Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence!**_"

Donald slowly lifted his fork of cake to his bill, savoring the moment, when he felt a churn in his bowels. "Uh-oh…" he gulped, lowering his fork. His friends, also about to take a bite of their slices, gagged, clutching their throats and groping the air for – well, air.

"_**Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest!**_"

"You ruined the birthday party I worked so hard to prepare of you!" a furious Daisy Duck screamed, running into the room with a javelin in her hands. Donald screamed (or squawked?) in terror. He jumped high into the air, his legs spinning around in circles, and crashed right through the wall, leaving behind a Donald-shaped hole in it.

"_**Cancer!**_"

The captain of the _Millennium Falcon_, Han Solo, stepped through the street, eyeing the strangely duck-shaped hole in a building's wall.

"_**The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud!**_"

Han yelped as he was inexplicitly tripped by an unidentifiable object lying in a vague area, landing face first into a filthy mud puddle full of bugs and other bacterial-ridden organisms; oddly enough, it hadn't rained in a week. Han raised his head, spitting out muck, and grumbled, "Perfect."

"_**Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test!**_"

Han rushed into the pilot's seat of his ship, smiling gawkily to his instructor. He initiated the power-up sequence for the _Falcon_, but a strange urge overtook him, snapping his back upright. Han reached underneath his seat and pulled out a roll of duct tape. How it got there we'll never know. His instructor eyed him suspiciously as Han began ripping off pieces of tape from the roll and sticking them into his left nostril.

"_**Leo!**_" the Janitor and "Weird Al's" voices yelled from the _Falcon's_ radio.

The boy genius Dexter snickered deviously as he sat upon a Xerox machine's screen, pushing the COPY button over and over again, creating (and vastly killing trees everywhere) multiple copies of his lower backside.

"_**Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no! Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik!**_"

Dexter's eyes went dull and pupil less, entering a trancelike state. He dropped down from the photocopier (not even bothering to pull up his pants), and walked to a refrigerator. Dexter grinned feverishly as he held up a tuna-flavored pudding cup, not realizing one even existed. He grabbed spork and spooned up the disgusting combination into his mouth. Once he was finished with the empty cup, Dexter reached for a large carton of strawberry Quick. And – well. You know.

"_**Virgo!**_"

The bending-unit Bender sang blissfully as he walked down the street, "_Rika crack corn and I don't care! Stitch crack corn, I still don't care! Bender crack corn and he is great!_" He paused. "_Take that you stupid corn!_"

"_**All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent – except for you!**_"

As a poor, little orphan child limped past him, Bender held out his leg and tripped the sick kid. He cackled cruelly.

"_**Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stake!**_"

Distracted by the orphan's misfortune and his laughing, Bender didn't notice an incoming steel stake a blue blob named Bloo fired out of a cannon.

_STAB_

"_**That's your horoscope for today!**_" the two horoscope readers sang. "_**Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!**_"  
"_**That's your horoscope for today!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today!**_"

"Weird Al" and the Janitor said simultaneously in rapid-fire dictation, "_**Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true! Where was I?**_

"_**Libra!**_"

In the local S-Mart the massive-chinned Ash Williams eagerly awaited the long-sought after promotion he desired.

"_**A big promotion is just around the corner…**_"

Ash grinned widely.

"…_**for someone much more talented than you!**_"

The grin was instantly wiped away as his boss gave the promotion to his incompetent co-worker, Freakazoid. Ash's eyebrow twitched; his nostrils flared; his jaw clenched; and his blood pressure rose.

"_**Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week!**_

"_**Scorpio!**_"

The detective group leader Rika Itonami sat in her wooden stool as she looked through some case papers.

"_**Get ready for an unexpected trip…**_"

Rika leaned back on the hind legs of her chair.

"…_**when you fall screaming from an open window!**_"

She – you know what? You know what happened. I'm not going to describe it.

"_**Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem…**_"

Rika smiled slightly as she landed on a conveniently placed trampoline – something about Porky not ordering one.

"…_**you stupid freak!**_"

Rika started weeping self-consciously.

"_**Sagittarius!**_"

The demon-like Hellboy trotted down the street, hearing that some strange occurrences have been happening in the area and being sent there to investigate.

"_**All your friends are laughing behind your back!**_"

Hellboy turned his head and noticed that his friends Shaggy and Scooby laughing and pointing at him.

The Janitor hissed sinisterly, "_Kill them…_"

Hellboy growled irately as he pulled back the hammer to his massive revolver, the Samaritan – Shaggy and Scooby gulped.

"_**Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den!**_"

Shaggy and Scooby stared blankly as Hellboy absolutely insisted at he had no such pictures.

"_**Capricorn!**_"

The other detective group leader No Limit smiled contently as he walked down the same mysterious street, his hands in his pockets.

"_**The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person…**_"

No Limit smiled as he looked up at the radio station.

"…_**but you know they're lying!**_"

He frowned.

"_**If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never-never-never-never-never leave my house again!**_

"_**That's your horoscope for today!**_" the two horoscope readers sang. "_**Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!**_"  
"_**That's your horoscope for today!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today!**_

"_**That's your horoscope for today! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!**_"  
"_**That's your horoscope for today!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!  
**_"_**That's your horoscope for today!**_"

No Limit kicked down the door to radio station control room. "You're fired!" he snarled. He picked up the door, walked out of the room, and slammed the door back into place once again.

"He doesn't mean it," the Janitor smirked as he winked to you, the reader(s).

_**THE END!**_

NL: Yeah, I really don't.

Mystery: Wimp. And the story was bad too. Oh, and for you haters out there who don't like me…too stinkin' bad! (winks playfully)

NL: Before I can antagonize the readers any further – see ya!


End file.
